I thought I had killed my husband

There was one evening I genuinely thought I had been a contributing factor in my husband’s demise.  I am pleased to report that he is actually alive and well and long may that continue.

It was a Saturday and we had been out hillwalking that day.  As always, I saw physical activity as an excuse to eat whatever  I liked (a reasoning that has led me to have a little ‘junk in my trunk’).  After a wander through the supermarket we settled on sausages and mashed potatoes for dinner. We both had showered after getting home and stuck on comfy clothes as we would just be staying in for the rest of the evening.

I was in the kitchen, cooking the sausages, and had just turned them with a set of tongs.  At that point my husband came through to the kitchen and decided to open his jeans and proudly show me that he was not wearing any underwear.  To this day neither of us, especially him, are quite sure why his did this, but we both know he was trying to be funny and there was no deviant undertones.  So, what does a wife do when she is standing with tongs in her hand and her husband’s genitals in front of her?  She snaps the tongs in a fast open/shut motion near aforementioned genitals.  Husbands  jumps with surprise/fear, just enough so that the end of the member actually gets caught in the sereated edge of the tongs.  Probably only for a second or two, but flesh was definately caught.  Then it started bleeding.

To be continued.

Shag/kill

I think we are all familar with the various incarnations of the game shag, marry or kill etc.  I have one which is slightly different and calls for a little more imagination.

Pick you person – it can be someone that you want to ‘get freaky’ with, or not, it really doesn’t matter.  But it has to be someone that annoys you in some way, shape or form.  So, you have to decide, would you want to shag this person, and  how would you kill them.  If you can tie in some ‘characterisitc’ of this person into the way you would kill them, the better.  Not always possible thought, but imaginative killings are good.  For example;

Johnny Borrell from Razorlight – no shag, strangle him with his skinny white jeans

Alex James from Blur – shag (possibly two or three times) and them drown him in a vat of his own cheese, melted

Would be interested to hear you shag/kills?

I should state that I do not condone murder or violence in anyway, this is just a wee bit of fun!

Count von Count

My meals for the past 3 nights have contained garlic – one meal contained six cloves.  If people start collapsing as I walk past I will need to remember that it is due to the smell oozing out my pores and my rancid breath as opposed to my startling good looks.  Darn it.

The previously mentioned fly worked its way out of eye late last night.  RIP.

A horse with a turnip

I love food. Love it.  If I could marry food I would.  My husband would take no offence at that comment, he is the same and in fact it is something that bonded up from the very start – fatty boombattys unite.  As much as I love food and could shovel certain food items down my throat like a pelican swallowing a fish, I have some manners and self awareness.  Others don’t.  Listen, I have my flaws and you can bet your bottom dollar you will hear about these over time, but seriously, loud, noisy eating, I just don’t get it.

I  know a couple of specimens who really excel at noisy eating, but it doesn’t end or start there.  Coffee – don’t you drink it when your lips meet the cup? Is there any need to start slurping as soon as you the lift the mug from your desk? No.  Is there any need to slurp so loudly that people wonder whether you are drinking the cup of coffee or trying, badly, to french kiss it? I just despair.  Or once you get the god forsaken coffee in your mouth do you chew it? No, why would you, it is a liquid.  So, if that is how people deal with a cup of coffee, can you imagine what eating food entails? No, well pull up a chair and let me fill you in.

I think it can best be described as a horse with a turnip.  Just imagine it and you can see what I mean.  Horses don’t need to have table manners, they don’t eat at a table.  Eating with your mouth open is vile people, vile.  Think about it.  Don’t do it.  But not only do some people manage to eat with their mouth open but they do so with such ‘skill’ that it sounds like they have a mega phone held up to their mouth.  May as well throw in a few sniffs whilst you are chomping loudly, isn’t that what we all want to hear?  

Don’t even get me started on such people eating boiled sweets. The vein on my head might just bulge out and we wouldn’t want that.

There was an old lady who swallowed a fly

This is my second attempt at starting a blog. Like most things with me, I quickly lose interest. Here is hoping my second attempt holds my attention span for more than 3 entries.  Doesn’t give out the best impression if my own blog does not even interest me that much…

What do I propose to put on here – observations about the world around me, probably quite a lot about food (I am mildly infatuated with food), things that annoy me and things that interest me.   Chances are I will post some recipes up here from time to time, but we will see how that goes.  Let me know what you think.

Today I was walking home from work (quite slowly and in a mildly awkward manner as my jeans are a little tight at the moment and my ‘looser’ pair are about to wear through at the crotch) and it was like slow motion as a fly flew towards me and straight into my eye. That was about an hour ago and I swear the little beggar is still ferreting about in there.  I think I may the lady whose eye swallowed a fly.

I sometimes find that when I am standing at a street crossing, waiting for the little green man to show, I always want to be the person who gets their foot onto the street first.  That applies to both the people at my side and people at the opposite side.   I wouldn’t ever go before the green man pings up, but once he does, I just can’t move my foot fast enough.  I don’t know why that is.  Any thoughts?

I am going to go and watch Come Dine With Me and may come back later with any other words of wisdom I have.  I am sure I can muster up something to rant about.  Loud eating could be one.  I think I may share my comments about that disgusting habit with you.

Over and out